I used to work with special needs kids, and in a daycare before that, and I thought that I was ready for the challenges of parenting my own kids. I mean I had seen a lot, and thought I knew what to expect, but looking back I found out that I was dead wrong! So, here is what I learned so far!
- After feeding your 9 month old some infant cereal, and cleaning it up from him, removing him from his seat and playing with him, you look down and notice a bit of cereal (or what you think is cereal) on your hand. What do you do? Whatever you do, DON'T lick it off, like I did! Yeah, it wasn't cereal, but baby spit up and I about up chucked up all over the floor. Do yourself a favor and just spend the extra time to go wash yourself off!
- You're cleaning the house, for the millionth time that day, and notice a raisin (or what you think is a raisin) on the floor. What do you do? Whatever you do, don't pick it up with your bare hands, like I did! Turns out that it wasn't a raisin, but a small piece of poo that had fallen out of our youngest son's diaper. He had started having, what we called, rabbit poops before we realized that he wasn't processing wheat properly. Yeah, just take the safe route and go get a paper towel and pick it up. Trust me.
- You've just changed the 3rd soaking diaper in a row, and changed your damp clothes. You think you're safe? Think again! It seems to be a Murphy's law, of sorts, that as soon as you've changed the diaper, and your clothes, they will inevitably poop or pee on you again. So, unless you are soaked in pee or poo, don't bother changing your clothes until you know that it's passed.
- Children are brutally honest, which is good, unless you are in public and they see something that is not allowed in our house. I've taught my children about eating healthy, and Jackasaurus takes it very seriously. We're standing in line, paying for some groceries at the store, and Jackasaurus looks behind us to see what the people are putting on the conveyor belt. He then blurts out, "Mom, that lady isn't buying healthy food at all!" The cashier busts up laughing, and just kept telling me, "He's speaking the truth! He's speaking the truth!" Needless to say, we had to have a conversation about when and where we could talk about those things, and if we saw someone doing something that wasn't good for them, it was better to whisper it to mom, then yell it out to everyone.
- You will say the goofiest things possible to your children. It's just inevitable. My husband has so many of those funny sayings, like "You don't drink water out of people's behinds." Yeah, it's not what you think. Our oldest, when he was a baby, would take little Fisher Price people in the bath, scoop up water with the hole in the bottoms, and drink it. Really gross, but the kicker was my husband's reply.
- When kids are done, they are done. No matter if you have people over to your house, if your kids are ready for them to leave, they will tell them! Mopsy, one day while my parents were visiting, looked down at her watch and promptly declared, "My watch tells me that it's time for you to go home!" What can do about that?!
- Children take every literally. Jackasaurus was reading Tom Sawyer in his room, when he came out with a look of disgust on his face. "Mom," he asks me, "Why would Tom want to lick Sadie? That's gross!" He really thought that Tom meant he was going to use his tongue!
- Children are always so humble (can you sense my sarcasm?). Mopsy told her brother Jackasaurus that he was very handsome. His reply, "Thanks sis, I was made to be handsome!" Oye Ve!
- Children are very logical, to their minds. One day, Jackasaurus told me that when he grows up he wants a white car, because sour cream is white and he likes sour cream. Now there's some logic for you!
- They will crack you up with something that freaks them out. One day, when Jackasarus was about 3 years old, he woke up just frantic. When I asked him what was wrong, he tells me, "My pull up is wet, but I didn't pee in it! Who peed in my pull up!" Good luck keeping a straight face with that one!
- They can be so funny, especially when they aren't trying to be funny. One day, in 2012, Jackasaurus tells me, " Mommies are big girls. They can wear big girl clothes and have babies. Daddies , they are just kids." There was also the time when we were at the library and Jackasaurus asked the librarian if they had any joke books. "Oh, you want to learn some jokes?" the librarian asks. "Yes," Jackasarus replies, "because my jokes aren't funny."
- You will never go to the bathroom alone, ever again. Even if you close the door, you will see fingers peaking under the door, trying to make sure you are still alive. My youngest likes to toss books and small toys under there for me, you know in case I'm bored or something. Then there's the knocking. *knock knock* "Mom, are you in there? Whatcha doing?" Yeah, good luck trying to relax and have a moment alone with that. And forget about showering without your spouse home. Every sound you hear will sound like a child being murdered, so you should just wait until your husband gets home.
- You children will always be 'starving', even if you just fed them. I swear, Jackasaurus eats more than I do! They will also surprise you on what they will eat, as well. I was cutting up kale for a salad one night and of course the children were 'starving', so I offered them the stalks from the kale to eat. You know what, they ate them and all you could hear was, "This is so yummy!". Of course if I offered the kale stalks to them at the dinner table, they would look at them like they were poison, but that's fickle kids for you!
- They think that everything is an easy fix. Mopsy asked me, after coming back home from the Chiropractor, if Dr. A could fix her doll's legs and make them less wobbly since Dr. A made Mopsy feel better. Oh, they also think that the wand our Chiropractor uses must be magical and bring people back to life. I do love watching them use their imaginations!
- They will test you and argue with you on what they think is right, even if it's not. One day, after telling my children to stay out of the dirt, I caught Jackasaurus digging in the dirt. After telling him to get out of the dirt, he tells me, "But mom, it's not dirt, it's soil!" Yeah, still doesn't fly buddy!
- They will play whatever they see you doing. One day Mopsy and Jackasaurus are playing, and I hear Mopsy say, "Oh no, this baby's tummy hurts because someone gave her wheat!" Jackasaurus replies, "Yeah, we need to take her to Dr. A and see if she's allergic to wheat!"
- They will impress you with their insight. There was one day when Mopsy was watching a commercial for a local hospital's birth center, and she saw a woman hooked up to a lot of machines. Mopsy asked me if that woman was sick, and I told her that she was just having a baby. Mopsy then asked why the woman would be in a hospital if she wasn't sick and wouldn't just want to stay home and have her baby where it was cozy, instead of having those things all over her? Very insightful of her!
- They will always think that you predate the prehistoric era. Mopsy asked me one day if I had a potty in my house when I was a little girl. I'm not sure how old she thinks I am, but I'm not that old! Or the time when Jackasaurus saw a person with a dinosaur on his shirt. He then asks, "Dad when you were a kid, did you have dinosaurs...(long pause here) on your shirt." Seriously, we thought that he was going to leave it at the first part only!
- You will never sleep in again. No seriously, forget about it. Jackasaurus is the only child who likes to sleep in late. The other 2 are up at 6am everyday, whether it's a weekend or not. So, just plan on going to bed early every night, so you don't look and feel like a zombie off of the Walking Dead. Either that, or invest in some serious coffee.
- They will drive you insane, make you want to pull out your hair on numerous occasions, but you can't imagine your life with out them. Oh, you might remember having the freedom to sleep in as late as you wanted to, on the weekends, but giving that up is a small price to pay. They are your children, and your love for them will be without equal. You would easily give your life for them, wish you could take the pain for them when they are hurt, and your life will never be the same. Then again, why would you want it to be?
What is the funniest thing you've done, or heard, while parenting? I would love to hear them!
Until Next Time,